perseverance. an act i’m currently struggling with. i know in a world of strategic selfies, daily mantras + sponsored feel good posts, it’s hard to believe, but i’m at low point. i feel defeated. i know exactly what’s up – my mindset. i’m currently stuck in a downward spiral of comparison, self acceptance + my own expectations. a hurricane of overwhelm. for me, my mindset is everything + if you were in my presence, you would feel an entirely new energy shift. we all know life goes in ebbs + flows, but when you’re stuck, you’re fucking stuck + no matter what anyone says, you’re still stuck. last monday i had my monthly appointment with my psychologist, pamela. i pre-book these for maintenance of my mind + to have a non biased opinion on any hurdles or questions i may have. our sessions start about a discussion on everything business, but last monday, i was a mindful mess. i was shallow breathing, crying, i could barely gasp for language to exit my mouth. i was having a panic attack + didn’t even want to acknowledge it, because i had a fear that i would be failing. pamela suggested i pause. an action that actually suggests no drive at all. if i were to pause, i would be able to move forward. meaning to pause, to stop, to slow down, to stand still actually generates progression. at the time, this made no sense to me. this, too, would be a challenge. “patience, baby” i whispered to myself… following an, “oh fuck.”
i was in a predicament. i was struggling with perseverance, but to pause felt detaching – foreign. i pause for meditation most days to slow down my mind, but to entirely detach from the business – a hiatus, a breather -was + still is petrifying.
what other choice do i have? i started processing what it may look like for me to take a few weeks off. it looked extremely uncomfortable. letting go of control. trusting the timing + trusting my tribe to show up. i was starting to have no love for me, my loved ones or the business, so i thought fuck it. let’s try on this so called pausing.
so, in due course, i’ve implemented minimal email checking, no social media, no teaching classes over the next few weeks, phone switched to do not disturb. however, life being life, nothing every goes to plan. i don’t think i have achieved pausing yet, but i have achieved distance, which offers an entirely new perspective.
the space has forced my focus to my own thoughts + actions rather than the external world. looking at myself is exactly what i need to start discovering what i actually want. i think the hurricane of overwhelm was from all external world bullshit, which actually doesn’t mean anything + is not a reflection of me. but, i had been swept away by this turbulent mindset + needed to ground myself. for whatever reason, i had taken on opinions originated from fear. if only i’d had the awareness to step back a little earlier + come from a place of love, rather than fear, i may have been able to save myself the incredibly painful experience of consistent panic attacks over the last few months.
self-reflection is so empowering. it gives me the opportunity to approach business + life in a new way. a way that softens my approach, but strengthens it all at the same time. i started writing this in my journal this morning then realised one of my responsibilities to you, is to speak the unspoken. i feel as though fear, panic attacks + my mindful mess isn’t spoken about enough – everything is our society is always so manufactured. so this is my responsibility to share with you my real hurricane times.
i’m going to finish off this blog with a stoic insight from seneca, on tranquillity of mind.
“apply yourself to thinking through difficulties – hard times can be softened, tight squeezes – widened, + heavy loads, made lighter for those who can apply the right pressure.”
it reminded me of university days – i would pull all nighters + submit pretty freaking good assessments. or even the initial instinct i had to open barre brisbane. it’s that thought path of audacity + courage i need right now. defeatism is overpowering, but focusing my attention on the opportunity will promote growth + a new mindset.
so ask yourself, is there an area in your life you could create stillness or distance to promote growth?